If you are reading this post, perhaps it is because you are looking for answers or inspiration in some part of your life. Maybe you are here for another reason today, yet this is the common goal of my readers—they come to "learn how to be in relationships."
So, I hope that in this post you will be thoroughly disappointed. I want to share with you a piece from my journaling today, where I explore this place I perpetually find myself in. Perhaps it will inspire you, or perhaps it will deter you from my work. I welcome both responses, as I trust in writing from the authentic voice that leads us toward one another.
As I write this post, I am aware of a part of me that feels naked and raw—a part that wants to admit to you, the reader, that I no longer have any idea what I’m doing.
I am convinced that the very idea of "knowing" is a concept I can no longer subscribe to.
The quote, "One thing I know for sure is that I know nothing at all," by Socrates, has become a comforting truth for the part of me moving through a profound shift, a change I can't yet fully describe.
I trust this change deeply, recognizing the stages my body is going through as I deconstruct past layers of learning and experience. I am returning to this very vulnerable space of truly not knowing—a black hole of uncertainty that is peppered with moments of inspiration, aliveness and a clear direction, before I fall yet again into the hole.
Yet, this place is exciting and fertile, where countless experiments unfold. I find myself open to life in ways I hadn’t realized were once closed off. Disappointed by the beliefs I had once bought into. And astonished by the number of voices I hear out there, all declaring, "I have the answer. This is the right direction. Follow me and you will be saved."
I, too, have been known to wield a version of that voice. In my newsletters and podcast episodes, I’ve tried (and most probably will do again) to support others by packaging life’s challenges into neatly understandable frameworks, offering steps to regain inner and outer harmony in life and relationships.
Maybe you found those offerings helpful. Maybe you didn’t. But the point isn’t whether sharing my gifts has merit. It’s that a stronger voice is emerging now, one that asks: How can I truly know?
This question feels more truthful than anything else.
I believe wisdom lives within you, within me, within the collective. It has countless voices. Sometimes it sounds like something you agree with; at other times, it may sound like a voice you find abhorrent.
I want to stay open to all the versions of them. To recognize the parts of myself that resist hearing and connecting with the voices I reject within.
I do not want to position myself as the one who knows, the one with the answers. Because then, I would miss out on the porous, open state of a true beginner—one who absorbs life with hunger, curiosity, and awe.
Since beginning my tantric journey 4 years ago, I’ve found this state of awe to be an invitation into a deeper layer of love and compassion. Especially for those I might secretly hold as enemies in my heart. Or for those for whom I’ve held a false compassion, one tinged with the energy of “should,” which subtly diminishes them—a way of viewing them as less than, as beings in a lower state of consciousness, unevolved and yet to catch up.
Can I truly see the divine in all beings? I ask myself as I explore these possible ideas and teachings that point towards the concept of divinity that moves through our human bodies in many different ways, I ask myself can I truly see the divine in all beings? Am I really witnessing the life that flows through them, even when they speak and act in ways that repulse me? Or am I clinging to wishful thinking, blind to my own hidden hatred and distrust of humanity, all in an attempt to seem “all-loving” and, in turn, be loved and accepted?
A body trying to make sense of its inner occupant.
An inner occupant striving to connect with the source of its existence.
A source that doesn’t need this body to exist, but chooses to move through it and perhaps try to witness its own aliveness for a while.
Or perhaps none of that. Maybe everything, all at once—or nothing that we can ever imagine.
Can I believe in all and nothing all at once and find ways to be together from this naked place where I witness the awe and mystery of being in a human body somehow?
Do you know what I mean?
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If after reading this post you feel inspired to join me on our next foundations and intermediate courses where we will dive into both the realms of not knowing and finding our own voice of inner wisdom AND looking at the models of Nonviolent Communication and Authentic Relating to support us on that journey of exploring aliveness and closeness in relationships. Check out our upcoming event HERE
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