Yesterday, I was standing around a campfire at a festival where I was facilitating workshops on communication, authenticity, and intimacy. As we talked about our interactions at the festival, a friend asked me, “Where do we lose ourselves in the name of belonging?”
This question immediately sparked an inquiry within me. Suddenly, a stream of past experiences, relationships, and events ran through my mind as I remembered moments of self-betrayal and ways in which I had hidden parts of myself to be liked by the person or group of people I was with.
My 16th birthday came rushing back to me, a night I dreaded because of how different all my friends were. It was as if they were from opposing universes. Some were into rap music and smoking weed, while others likely looked down on such activities and preferred discussing the musical instrument they were learning to play or their thoughts on what to study at university. I was petrified that they would all suddenly feel like I had lied to them, that they would notice my accent or mannerisms were suddenly different. I was afraid of being caught out and seen as inauthentic in some way. The truth is that I was a different part of me with each of them. The full Emma was not known by any one person at that table, and that makes me sad to remember, that I did not feel like anyone could handle or understand the real me.
When I look back at that moment of fear, I realize now that I was both exploring authentic parts of myself through each friendship while seriously hiding all the other parts of who I was to belong. I had unconsciously found ways to belong to each group by focusing on singular parts of my personality and leaving the other parts for the other groups to see.
Maybe this feels familiar to some of you who are reading, or perhaps it seems incomprehensible, and maybe you would label my behaviour back then as manipulative and insecure. If so, I would agree with you.
"Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." — Brené Brown
Brené’s words capture the essence of my journey. Back then, I was fitting in rather than truly belonging. I was sacrificing parts of myself to gain acceptance, unaware that true belonging comes from embracing our whole selves without the need to hide or alter who we are.
Exploring Authenticity and Belonging
As I think about Brené Brown's words, I realize that my journey was not unique. Many of us have felt the pressure to conform, to hide parts of ourselves, and even wear a personality mask in order to be accepted in different circles. This tendency often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and a desire to be liked, which can lead to unconscious manipulation or hiding of ourselves. But what does this cost us? What has it cost me?
Fitting in has been exhausting for me; it required constant vigilance. I would continually assess my surroundings and adapt my behavior, often at the expense of my own identity. Over time, this led to a profound sense of disconnection from myself, losing sight of who I am and what my own likes and desires are. The parts of me that were hidden didn’t just disappear; they festered and felt left out, leading to feelings of inauthenticity and inner turmoil, which saw me acting from my shadow parts without ever realizing it.
The unclaimed or shunned parts of our identities often play out in incognito ways to meet their needs. We can become so good at self-deception that we may never realize we are hiding or acting from the shadows. This is where people in our lives become hurt or angry or distrustful of us because our hidden parts impact our close relationships when they play out unconsciously.
For example, if I chose to cheat on my partner, I might be doing so because of a hidden part of me trying to “fit in” with my current partner and/or my family and friends. A deep need of mine is not being recognized, owned, or expressed by me, so I cheat to meet the need of that unexpressed part of me. Perhaps I have a need for freedom or intimacy, knowing that I matter, or a sense of inner worthiness. This unconscious action impacts my partner and, of course, myself too.
The Psychological Impact of Fitting In
Psychologically, the need to fit in can be linked to our evolutionary past. Human beings are social creatures, and for our ancestors, being part of a group was essential for survival. However, in modern society, this need can become distorted. Instead of finding genuine connections, we might prioritize superficial acceptance over true belonging.
Research in psychology supports this. Studies have shown that people who constantly strive to fit in are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. The act of suppressing our true selves takes a toll on our mental health.
Moving Toward Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is a lifelong project that I do not imagine will end even at my deathbed. This is a humbling thought to come to terms with. Perhaps I do not need to reach some level of “enlightenment” (I do not believe such a state actually exists) to feel at peace, whole, and integrated within myself.
My self-acceptance and self-belonging journey is still unfolding. As I continue to look for validation in ways that I only become aware of after the action, I can still remember some defining moments when it became clearer to me that to truly belong, I need to be courageous and face the reality that I will be disliked by others and that this is okay.
I remember reading a post about the sentence “let them,” and it struck me as so profound. I was so afraid of people's judgments and anger towards me that I wanted to control how they would react to me, to make them love me. This is where my hidden parts would begin to play out in front of me, by becoming who I imagined they wanted me to be and losing my sense of self.
When I heard “Let them,” I suddenly felt such a freedom from within me. I imagined people disliking me or reacting towards me with frustration, and yes, I might feel pain, but alongside this was a deep acceptance of myself. And this quote from Adyashanti came up for me:
“Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like you or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them or to see things differently—until you have given the whole world its freedom—you’ll never have your freedom.”
So now, this is where I find myself on this journey, in a deeper place of self-acceptance that does not need others to agree with me or like me for me to feel loved and accepted. If I come from love within myself, then I can love others and myself in our differences and our humanity. This commitment, alongside a deep wish to see the humanity and the desire for belonging on both sides, guides me now in each present moment that I am aware of my search for belonging. For those moments when I am unaware? Well, they become clear afterward, and that is also a gift for me to process and continue to learn from until the day I die.
Practical Steps to Foster True Belonging
If any part of this article resonates with you, and you see yourself either hiding parts of who you are or wearing a personality mask to fit in and be accepted, the following questions may help you uncover those hidden parts and bring them into the light so they can be integrated and expressed rather than separated and repressed.
Self-Reflection: Ask yourself, "When am I hiding or becoming a part of myself to belong or protect myself from rejection?"
Self-Advocacy: When you hide or act, what part is being suppressed? What does that part really want to say or do? What does it value and care for?
Find Your Tribe: Seek out communities and groups that celebrate individuality and encourage you to be honest and real with them.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. It’s okay to trip up and try again as many times as you need to.
Speak Your Truth: Start small by expressing your true thoughts and feelings in environments where you trust you will be well received. Gradually, extend this practice to other areas of your life as you become more confident in expressing the hidden parts of yourself. Learn to say no to situations and people that require you to be anything other than your true self.
Embracing authenticity is a courageous act. It means choosing to show up as your true self, even when it’s uncomfortable. But the reward is profound: a sense of belonging that is rooted in genuine connection and self-acceptance.
As I continue to explore and teach about communication and authenticity, I am constantly reminded of the power of being true to oneself. It is my hope that you too will embark on this journey, finding communities where you can belong simply by being who you are.
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