Today we looked into each other’s eyes in a different way than we have ever done before.
Today we held each other in tears of grief as we recounted our unrealised dreams together.
Today we stood barefoot on the hot earth and buried our rings with our bare hands, tears wetting the earth and our sandy fingers.
Today we held each other on a pile of clothes and books ready to be packed away and moved out.
Today we imagined the possible personalities and faces of the 2 babies we had miscarried together.
Today I feel in each moment, waves of love, and confusion and anger and hurt and love again and softness and care and depression..I cant move..
Today a deep melancholy is staying with me as my mind remembers and remembers and remembers.. And searches for what ifs and maybes and how abouts..
Today we chose to keep inviting love into our hearts for one another in a new way, to move out of the container we found so comfortable and yet so hard. We chose to keep loving, to keep listening, to stay open to trust and to movement and creativity.
I ask myself now as I write, is it possible that as I let go of him as my favourite person to meet all these needs together, perhaps we can become closer? I notice that as we let go we are really connecting with ourselves and to one another in a new way. There is a freshness that is not stuck in memories of the pressure, the intensity, the deep pain from our past, the expectations of one another that closed us off from seeing the full beauty of what was right in front of us.
I mourn so deeply that back then when we started, our first years together, I did not have the skills, the knowledge, the support , the learning capacity that NVC has bought me now.
And finally I truly celebrate the way in which we are consciously uncoupling ourselves from the old strategies we had around meeting our needs together and moving towards new ways that we can meet those needs, both together and outside of the relationship, our friendship.
I am smiling as I look back on our last month and the discussions that I had imagined would be difficult - around money, around sex and relationships with other people, around our futures appart.. Finally there is a place for us to rest, to be fully honest, to celebrate, to mourn.. to share our fears, our worries, our longings, our hopes and dreams, and we can hear each other now in a different tone.. It feels good to let go and it hurts so much as I do so..
My heart is still torn and bleeding and also full of love and appreciation and gratitude and inspiration.. I tentatively walk forward with no idea of how this will unfold and no expectations of myself or of him to stay like this together. Just in this moment rite now, there is a tender, painful bliss of my needs for connection, inspiration, togetherness, growth and love very much being met, being met and held alongside the mourning of all the needs we could not meet together and of the pain in truly deciding to let go..